My Possessiveness

At this odd hour, I'm awake and the world seems so bleak to me now that I think of her. Somedays, I want to take her away somewhere far,where the world cannot touch her, where she can feel the sun in her arms, breath the spring summer, lie on bed of roses without any thorns and laugh like a child, nothing to wither her. Many nights like now, I'm awake and lie in serenity and think about how much of me remembers the time that has flown and carves to capture only the memories of bygone past.

At times I'm teleported in my mind to the moment of sitting side by side reading a book and how the warmth of her never lets time evade.My heart wants to steal each moment with her and keep it for eternity, Alas! the conflicting mind for there eternity is a fixed time.

In my dream I vision myself waking in the morning at another time just to catch a glimpse of her.These past time my heart has yearned nothing more but to be with her, every moment feels like a miss, a time that eludes me which I so desperately try to seize. 

I feel inhibited at times by the presence of such distance but you can always use video media to abridge the miles between someone, but for me it's never helpful because words betray me when I see her face or hear her voice.Its like at that moment the words, all that my heart desires to say is boling at my throat ready to spill but only someone puts the lid on and by the time I finsh my conversation with her, the steam escapes and the water is cold again.

God created us as one soul but two different bodies and I do not often acknowledge it,that you are my greatest blessing.And no single word or infinite character of words can ever describe exactly what my feelings are.

Do I sound like a maniac, does feeling so deeply for someone is not usual? I don't know, but I do and I miss her... If only, I could tell you exactly how much Dear, Mother!

Beautiful Death

I'm really sorry for not being able to post in the next chapter of the last post soon enough,lately, work and studies have been keeping me on my heels.But I promise I'll try to post the next chapter as soon as I get some time off.

Today, what I'm going to share is just randomised thought.When I decided to first start a blog I particularly had nothing in mind.There were no specific idea other than just to share my thoughts and feelings from time to time.Then oneday, I discovered I wanted to write frictional stories and so I did and another day I thought of writing about someone and then something and end of it I turned it into a sort of mixed bag-kinda blog .I like it this way,not particularly having to limit as to what one should write on. Afterall, variety is the spice of life, no one likes plain, isn't it?
So much rambling for today...lets think what to share!

Do you believe that when a person die, their soul lives and it travels to some unseen land? My mother believes there definitely is something as 'Afterlife' and in there lies the concept of heaven and hell,but to tell you the truth the mere word makes me wonder about its existence. What kind of place, what is the measure of accommodation, how does it appear all these question fill up my head when I think of it. Ofcourse, the famous Dante has showed the world the ring of hell, but he isn't here to enlighten me with the idea as to how did he knew there exists two different places for the dead!
But I don't deny that i believe every humans have souls, and that there is conservation of souls after death. But like the way I believe in God, whom I have never seen in a similar way I feel about afterlife.

Call me insane if you want, but I talk every night to my grandmother who has passed away about the daily affairs happening around me from the past three years, staring at the ceiling and babling away. I share about who broke a cup today, or how mother scolded the maid for being late or how the maid complained about increasing her pay,or which friend of mine did what during class, or was I sad today, and if happy what reason behind it,etcetera.

I share with her in the same way now as I used to when she was alive. Maybe, I do this because I couldn't make myself come in terms with the fact that she is no longer here with me. Its not that in my life, I haven't let go off people, truly I have some, but its just her that I can't think of letting go. My mother always says that she watches us constantly from above, somewhere that you cannot see.But I think she,somewhere deep down believes it just to console her wounded heart. But to me its not enough just believing that she is watching silently from some place above or has become a twinkling star whom you spend entire life to distinguish which one is 'the one' out of the lot. For me the only question that always lingers unanswered related to this context is "why do people think once a person is dead that its an end?" Why not think them as still alive and go on living the normal life.

You might by now as well think 'Really! Ankita is in the verge of going insane or has already gone insane' or 'what is this girl rambling about, utter nonsense about death and still considering people to assume them to be alive and be normal about it' or  to some who might even be least interested to even take a glance as to what I wrote.

I like to think that my grandmother, she is still alive and kicking but is on a long holiday to some land where there is no modes of communication. You cannot send an email, neither make a call nor even post a letter, nothing, all you can do is to imagine what she maybe doing there. Sometimes, I think she is sipping her favourite darjeeling tea by some seaside relishing the sound of waves and watching the faraway seagulls and getting tanned, and other time I think she is riding on a camel on the hot sand beneath and assuming to see an oasis and the other moment she is sitting by the window watching the snow clasped mountains.
And the day she decides to return she would get presents and postcards.

At times, I also image myself standing across her on another clifftop just that I never get to reach her, there is this enormous gap that seperates her from me and I have to shout out loud just to get the words through and she does the same and our conversation some heard and some echoed and some drowned in the midst of the distance. Maybe she is far away beyond reach but just the thought of her being there is enough. Irrespective of by the sea or on mountaintop the belief of her being somewhere and all happy and smiling is worth imaging than her being at some pointless heaven-hell land where people are always imagined as haunting or too comforting and where there is no returning from.

Isn't it good to image they are happy and travelling like a tourist,different new places rather than think of them being a lonely star, or even playing a boring harp in some cloud mansion?

Nobody has ever got the right answer as to how you should be.And not everybody has ever agreed on the same thing. Some or the other aspect in each of us is judged by others at some point, like now people will judge about this aspect of me.We are assumed to always walk on the stereotypical path set ahead of us and those who don't are forever the topic of criticism. But should it waiver my way of looking at it? Should I see the usual over unusual just because others see it differently, or should I change at the fear of being called stupid or mad? 

 Totally debatable, and lets keep it for another day to discuss on my sanity or insanity. 

But I believe a conjunction awaits where I will meet her, afterall.When oneday she will finish her travelling the world and maybe that day I will decide on beginning mine!

Marionette

Chapter One

The small potted plant,placed at the window sill glistened brightly under the sunlight.The day was mildly warm and except for the clattering of wheels and beeping of the ventilator machine,it was quiet inside.

The buzz outside had reduced to low humming,while she sipped her soy milk and flipped through the cosmopolitan.She had been reading an article on the latest diet trends when the nurse walked in and greeted,"Hello! How are you doing today,Suga?"

"Great, as usual",Evelyn replied.

The nurse checked the vitals informing her that it seem to be normal,with no major fluctuations.She shifted her gaze from the patient's chart to the bedside counter,where a fresh bunch of white tulips rested.

This was nothing new,she thought,and walked towards it,picking them up she replaced yesterday's old with the new ones.It was her duty to look after the patient in the best possible manner even if she's been in coma for the past 7 months.

She turned to Evelyn and said,"Your mother has really great taste,white tulips are beautiful choice of flower."

"Hmmmmm....", she nodded.

"Soon,she will be up and gossiping,making up for all the lost time.",the nurse chuckled trying to light up the mood.

"I suppose", she grimly responded and looked at her with sombre expression.

"I'll see you later",and saying this the nurse left the cabin.

It was another of her routine day.Every morning,Evelyn religiously visited her mother at the hospital with a bouquet of her favorite flowers and waits up for the nurse to finish her round before leaving for work.

She folded and slipped the magazine in her purse and straightened out her skirt,then for one last time she held the lifeless hand of her mother and bidding 'Good Day',she left.

----------------------------------------------------

It was past 6,when she returned during visiting hour.She sat beside the bed and softly spoke,"Hii! Mum....Today was really hectic,need a good bath and I had to call the plumber,the wash basin was leaking again,rest everything good at home.You need not worry."

This 'daily updating' went on everyday.She sought solace in it,to believe that her mother is listening to everything that she has to say.For a moment make-believe that,she is okay and as if all this never happened.She kept her sanity intact this way.

She started to say something,when the nurse appeared again at the entrance.

"Hello! Lady",she greeted cheerfully.

"Hii! Brenda",Evelyn replied likewise.

"I've placed the box in that left cabinet (pointing to it), you'll find everything in there"

"Thank you! I'll check it"

"Okay! Take care and Cya! tom morning,then?"

"Yep! Sure,bye!"

Nurse Brenda left for home at her shift's end for the night.While,Evelyn walked to the cabinet,pulled out the cardboard box and tucking it under her arm,she too bid 'Good Night' and left.

---------------------------------------

She unlocked the door to her apartment and placing the box on the couch,she walked towards the bathroom to freshen up.Later,she heated up some milk and ate light dinner.

It was midnight,when her sleep broke to the sound of the television.She had dozed off on the couch,leaving it turned on.She aimlessly searched for the remote and turned it off.

She was awake now,and it didn't seem she could further get any sleep.She opened the box beside her and began to see through.It was all her mother's belongings,some old postcards,photographs and a diary.

She had often seen her mother with it,something very dear to her was the diary.Every now and then,her mother wrote down,some nights she would stay awake writing her thoughts in it.Though,her mother forbade her to read other's letters or diaries and she did follow the rule from childhood till date,but in this case,now it was different.A very different situation and she knew that her mother wouldn't mind her reading it.

She replaced the leather cover and turned to the first page..............

*******to be continued*******

Feels Like Another Lifetime!

Today, while walking down memory lane I remembered of a past phase that's etched vividly. Every year, during summers I visited my father with my Gran and those are the times I craved for,to come as soon as possible.

When all other friends of mine were busy planning for their own family trips to different other states of India, I counted days and cut off each date on the calendar, eager to just go and meet dad. And finally when the D-day arrived to go home for holidays I was always overjoyed.

I have always been a nature loving person and love the solace and calmness of villages. The place where my dad owns a motel is surrounded by picturesque villages and it’s on NH 31.For a resident it may be nothing new, but every time I got there the ambiance never failed to surprise me. The smell of mud, the shades by huge trees and the non-stop humming of the vehicles.

Being the owner's daughter does have some perks, and one of them was that we were welcomed with a lot of warmth and well-cooked lunch.

An expansion of greenery all around stretching as far as you view. Paddy fields and around it methodically cut lanes reaching to the houses and huts. The tall palm and coconut trees swayed involuntarily by the wind and the soft breeze soothing your face is inexplicable, one needs to feel it themselves to exactly describe it. The beautiful view of the pond behind the infrastructure through the window and the lotus blooming on the surface made it picture perfect scene.

My dad being busy managing his work, I generally spent my evenings with Gran at the backyard garden. While she sipped on her evening tea, I sat on an armchair or at times lay on a folding bed and watched the flock of birds dipping their wings in the lucid flow of air and flying back home before the nightfall. The orange glow soon turned dark and finally vanishing into the darkness, and then followed the sound of crickets and the fireflies glowing in the calm night. The cool breeze so relaxing that no one would ever want to stay indoors. 

My Gran spent the late evening listening to songs on the radio and while I caught fireflies in glass jar. And later ate dinner and retired to bed for the night.

The mornings, were cool as well and I sat by the pond making mud castles and decorating it with wild flowers. My dad always appreciated and with a smile and hugs he said they were always beautiful, no matter what I made. The best thing being no one there to scold you, while you dirtied your clothes, if mother had ever seen me that way she would have surely grounded me for at least a week.

And just when the scintillating sun started to impart its heat, I got down in the Chowbacha (small water reservoir) and bathed, splashed, jumped and stood under the speeding water never willing to get out of it. As soon as the time reached beyond the extra limit Gran rushed and pulled me out and dressed me up for the evening.

I usually loitered around and asking people this and that. Everyone likes kids and that’s why they answered to all my logical and illogical questions and never got irritated, especially the staffs loved and cared about me. They took me to village fair, if there was one going on and even to their homes. In one of my visit to an uncle’s house, who also owned a pet monkey and it danced and played. I often, watched through the window, the village kids play with rubber tires rolling it with a stick, funnily they were either nude or partially clothed, a cloth wrapped around their waist. It was really amusing and fun to see them so carefree and contended. Sometimes, on purpose I touched the touch-me-not plants to just feel happy while it swooned. It was like a play to me which I enjoyed wholeheartedly.

Out of all, two incidents are there that I distinctly remember. Once a windy and disruptive storm barreled up, the sight of it was both beautiful and ominous. I loved witnessing the awesome power of nature, the leaves being blown helplessly and a chill breeze filling every corner then followed by down pour. And that wasn't all a coconut had fallen off its tree just on the road poles leading to short circuit, the electricity of the entire area was suddenly gone. We sat in the dim candle light, I was tucked warmly, cozied up on my Gran’s lap and my dad joked to others that thankfully it wasn't someone’s head and everyone laughed out loud drowning the croaking sound of the frogs.

Another time, the cook, Dulal Kaku (Uncle) was cutting a fish for the afternoon lunch and I had been watching curiously at how it was being done and that’s when he showed me a small hook that was stuck in the dead fish's head. He pulled it out, washed and cleaned and told me that he would teach me how to catch fish with it. I was 8 and it was obvious I was too excited. And for continuous next six days he taught me how to catch with it and we did but it was already dead before I could show it to Gran and dad. I was so depressed that the excitement of catching fish from pond also died with it.

Dulal Kaku noticed my doleful mood and informed dad about it and to cheer me up he drove me to Jaldapara National Park ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaldapara_National_Park ). We chatted and saw elephants bathe, peacocks in their barn, lay on the grass for hours munching chips, saw ant hills, bird’s nest, with binoculars watched bison once and twice rhinoceros. That’s when my dad also realized my fetish for fishes and on the narrow river at the park we stared at the tiny fishes and then disrupting, splashed water at each other and again watched for the flow to calm down and continued our viewing them. From then on every summers,he did take me to the park and the entire day we enjoyed, at times had small picnics too.

All these memories feel like as if it happened in a different lifetime. As I grew big I stopped going there and summer holidays turned into boring friends meet and lunches. My fascination of that phase was no longer there. Suddenly, today when I remembered, I really missed all of it and wished if only, I could go back no matter even if it is for,Once!

Forgotten Joys!

Why is our life confined to deadlines and pay scale or husband and children or even relationships and heartbreaks? When was the last time you felt alive and free? When was it that you smiled without being nagged by tension? When did we all grow so big enough to forget about the little things in our lives?

I wondered this morning, stretching at my balcony that why did I ever stop admiring the sunrise? Was rushing to college, just to reach early or the air pollution such big issues to miss something so beautiful?

While walking along the park, today, I shoved aside the thoughts to get back home early, to get dressed for class, about work, health, money, weather and so on and rather stopped for seconds, sometimes minutes just to admire the surrounding. Watched the kids walk to school, for some waiting for the school bus to pick them up, ladies and women walking briskly to reach the nearby temple, listening to the chanting of morning prayers, joggers jogging past me, shop owners getting settled for the day, cooing of a dove somewhere, teen boys playing volleyball and so much more.
After a while got myself comfortable on a park bench and again let my mind wonder, and almost laughed out loud in my head at the ironic thought of coming here daily yet not taking heed to notice any of these that I did today. All this while, I had been actually walking aimlessly, unaware of the things happening around me. What difference is there between me and a blind person? I bet he can feel and understand more than me even without his sight. It is so sad to realize that it’s not just me but many others, nearly everybody way too busy to be bothered by anything but themselves and their work. We all are fast-forwarding the life, running to reach faster than the other but only fail to realize what we miss out on our way.

Truly, I hadn't felt so light-headed and relieved in a long time. My heart yearned for what I moved past all this time and sat there thinking of the good old days. The days of my happy childhood and memories began to flow out like gushing water out of a broken dam. And all I could do was to go with the flow.

I stared at the grass and watched the dew glide down slowly and remembered a forgotten joy of how I used to enjoy picking it up on the tip of my finger and watch the sun rays glistening on it.And on rainy days how carelessly I jumped on every puddle and sailed paper boats. On summer days, picking mango secretly from the neighbors tree and running to save our asses as soon as she found out. Assuming to be Sherlock Holmes and going on adventure trips to desolated houses in the neighborhood and getting punished for throwing paper planes and loitering around during class hours. Instead of laughing at Jerry’s pranks on Tom, we are busy getting pissed over the nasty morning news. We are so worried about our carpet getting spoil that we don’t feel the rain on our face.

When did my life entwine itself in the vicious maze of adulthood? The joy that I had felt earlier, why did I ever give it up? Why did I withhold my heart from being happy? I have no answers but a lot of questions lingering in my mind and the only solution is that next time I give myself the joys it’s been craving for all this long.

As a very renounced and respected poet recited in a Bengali poem:

"dekhite giyachhi porbotmala

dekhite giyachhi sindhu
dekha hoy nai chokshu meliya
ghor hote shudhu dui pa pheliya
ekti ghasher shisher upor ekti shishir
bindu…"
-which means I have travelled the entire world looking for beauty but in the end I found it finally on the dew drop on grass just outside my house. He meant home is where beauty lies in reality.You just have to look and you will find it.

The Perfect Pair

Chapter Six

They both had planned out accordingly after her mother had happily approved of him.And after a lot of preparations and arrangements made it was finally the D-Day.

She was nervous as well as excited and various mixed emotions filled her mind since morning.She dressed up and stood just at the end of a flower-filled red carpet.

Her heart raced fast and her palms perspiring due to nervousness.She crossed her fingers hoping everything to turn out just as planned.

She could see him standing right at the end of the aisle.And she thought he looked ravishing at one moment with that smile on his face.She was sure,he was the one.The one with whom she would spend her entire life with.

She took a deep breath and walked slowly with the soft rhythm towards him.

She looked spectacular in that gown,he thought.He loved everything about her and that is why it was his idea to write in their own vows.He could promise everything to her,his love,his life and himself.

The priest read out and they both followed suit saying their vows out loud.And the guests listened to the beautiful couple promise their life to each other.

Just when the priest ordered for the rings to be exchanged,she indicated to her aunt saying,”Bring it now”,while she slightly picked up her gown to reveal wearing just one shoe on her left foot.

He looked down,surprised and then turned around to see Aunt bring out something from behind.It was the same ‘purple shoe’ and this time it was in two’s one of each.

He took the right one and put it on her bare foot.And there was an amazing sparkle of happiness in his eyes,”Perfect Pair! How did you???? I mean....” but before he could finish she winked at him and replied,”Long story Darling,will tell you on our honeymoon.”

And then they kissed.

SOMETIMES WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN,WILL HAPPEN…… *winks*

The Perfect Pair

Chapter Five

It was one other day gossiping with her aunt when her mother suddenly asked her to invite Aiden over for dinner the following weekend.

She gladly invited him and as usual he did come,all dressed up perfectly with a white tulips bouquet  for her mother and aunt.

His charming personality and his jokes won the hearts of the three women.He was polite wherever needed and joked when the moment fell silent or serious throughout the evening.

It was Sangeeta,who specially was very happy to make an evening like this happen.She had noticed her mother laugh out loud at times at his jokes and funny gestures.She had missed seeing her mother so happy and as a matter of fact she had never seen her this happy around anyone.

After desserts and a little more chit-chatting,he rose up to leave bidding everyone goodnight and saying thank you for the awesome dinner and time that he had had that evening.

She walked him to the door and when he was about to say ‘goodbye’,he noticed her eyes teary.

“What’s the matter,honey?” he questioned with concern in his voice.

“It’s nothing.I’m glad you came..I love you” she replied in shaky voice.

“I love you too.Goodnight” and he kissed her forehead and left.

That night she lay awake in her bed,thinking about how amazingly God had thrown signs to her.She thanked him and slept.

The Perfect Pair

Chapter Four

Meeting Aiden,at first was completely an official affair.He handled the foreign relations department of the same company that she worked in.It was during one of her presentation day that her boss had introduced them.

After that once or twice they met unofficially at coffee shops but to discuss complete business.A while later they became friends and couple of months later he finally wooed her into a relationship.

He was an easy going guy and joked at almost everything that they talked about,at times it was annoying but at times she adored him for that.He never failed to light up any moment.She could never stay angry with him for more than 10 mins or so he would say something so funny that she would end up laughing her heart out.

It was on valentine’s night after dinner,when she asked to drop by to see his place.He instantly replied,”Why?”

“What do you mean by ‘why’? because I simply want to…why?is there a problem?” She questioned straight barefacedly.

“Ummm…Okay!” and he held her by her hand and they both walked up to his apartment.

As soon as he had unlocked the expression on her face changed,it went from being happy to shocked.

“OMG! Aiden this is complete mess!”

He dropped the keys at nearby table and replied,”Make yourself comfortable.It was you who wanted to gladly come by”

“Now I see,this is why you always avoided whenever I asked about coming down to your place” she said mockingly.

“Look at that,the couch is chocked by all your clothes over it..How do you even walk about in here?” she questioned picking up a sock from the floor.

“I manage” he laughed back at her question.

“This weekend you are giving me the keys,I will clean this mess up and make some room for fresh air..”she ordered.

“Okay! I will be there if you need any help” he obliged.

“No need,I know you well enough.You are simply going to joke and laugh and create nuisance instead of being any help.Stay out with Paul or any other friend of yours.”

“Fine!” he mocked

“Good!” she smiled back.

The following weekend as planned,she switched on ‘CLEAN AIDEN’S APARTMENT’ mode and got down to work.

She washed,dusted,aired and settled neatly the entire apartment each room one by one.How did the time pass,she had no knowledge of it and it was past 6 when she finally had finished almost  cleaning.

She pressed the coffee machine button and relaxed on the couch when she suddenly noticed a briefcase under the cupboard.She picked it up and turned it over.A thick layer of dust settled on it made it seemly to be an old one.

She cleaned it and opened.There were some old files and oddly tucked under it a purple shoe.She looked at it questionably and a little surprised too.It was one of hers.But how did it land up here? She had never worn them except for once.

She picked up the shoe and tucked it in her handbag,then went back to get her cup and relaxed on the couch.

It was past eight,when the doorbell rang.It was a tiring day and without notice she had dozed off.She rose up and opened the door and greeted,”Hii baby!”

“Heyy Love!” he reciprocated hugging her.

“My! My! is this my place”,he joked.

“Ta-Da”,she spoke excitingly.

They both freshened up and ordered home delivery and soon after sat down to eat.

She didn't want to ask straight forward.There is no harm in playing around a little,she thought.

“Baby,you know what…I found a woman’s shoe,today!” she said.

“Sangi,stealing neighbor's shoes! Bad manners..”,he replied.

“Be serious!” she warned,”I found it in one of your old briefcase,that to a single one”.

“Hey! Hey! Don’t look at me,I’m straight baby!” he spoke raising his hands a little.

“Forget it!” she turned away.

“Okay! Okay! I’m sorry…” he apologized,”Oh! That!... It’s a funny as well as weird story.”

“Tell me all about it” she was all ears.

“When I was in NY,posted at home branch,I had a meeting at the city hall,there I found it.”

“Whose does it belong to?” she questioned curving her brow.

“It belongs to Cinderella”,he laughed.

“Cinderella?”

“Yes,or so it seemed.I was walking up the stairs when this woman rushed out in super hurry.Just like Cinderella out of her fairy tale and funnily she wore a white gown even.”

“Did you see her face?” She questioned again.

“Nope! All I saw was how mercilessly she closed the door over her beautiful dress and you wouldn't believe she left one of her shoe at the stairs and that’s when I picked it up”,he paused,”And funnily I did once look at my watch to see if it was just past 12.”

“So,why did you keep the shoe,anyway?”

“I don’t know,it’s weird that I even had it.Maybe,it was so amusing to see someone run out just like that made me keep it” he spoke with slight confession in his voice.

“Maybe, you fell in love with the woman?” she murmured out loud enough to be heard.

“What?” he said,looking surprised.

“Yeah,like first sight! kind”

“Of course, not!”

“It wouldn't be wrong even if you would”

“Aah! Now maybe,who knows? Maybe at that moment I did! But you see,everything that’s suppose to happen sometimes doesn't happen,isn't it?”

“Hmmm…now I’m a little jealous” she laughed.

“Naah!.... so,where is it now?”

“I threw it.What’s the use of keeping it,anyway” she said.

“Yeah,right! Come,let me drop you home” he stood up.

While she glanced at the shoe in her handbag for once and closed the clasp.